The 2 greatest jokes ever told, January 2006

So here we sit almost a month into 2006. I got yelled at last night by my neighbor's Xgirlfriend for my previous blog about stupid women...thereby confirming my blog about stupid women. It's all tongue-in-cheek around here, folks. If you can't tell sarcasm when you read it, put your waterwings on and float away from me.

Life pretty much fucking rules for the Quam in '06. Probation is done, beautiful women like hanging out with me (thank you Meghan, Megan, and every girl at Spin on Thursdays), and I believe in Crystal Light because I believe in me.

If you don't think this year is going that well, I need you to do me a favor. Go to rollingstone.com and read the article entitled "Scott Stapp's fall from grace". I hated this motherfucker like strippers hate their childhoods before I read it, but now I can wish Stapp on people...that's how bad his life is. Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jung Il, everyone who thinks Hollister and Abercrombie are lifestyles, and the guy who farts and walks away at a bar, I wish Stapp on you.

Besides that, if you want your year to come out right, here's some tips. Go out and buy Daniel Tosh, Todd Berry, and Patton Oswald's CDs. These guys are fucking geniuses. Also, buy some stupid sunglasses and rock them like you're serious.

I wanted to be funny in this blog, but my humor was trumped on Thursday night by a stinky drunk NorthEaster that wandered into Erte while I was eating dinner. Here is a recap on our interaction...

Drunkie: "Mumble mumble mumble" (facing away from me)

BQ: "Holy shit! We'd better listen to this well-spoken gentleman."

Drunkie: "Eh...What's the difference between a low rate war tactic and mayonnaise?"

At this point my brain almost fell out of my fucking ear trying to think of what would need to happen for that question to even be concieved. But before I could go farther he hit me with the answer...

Drunkie: "Napolean's proverb."

Damn you Kevin Nealon, you've outdone me again.

Drunkie: "Believe that. Why couldn't the French reverend understand them at Constantinople?"

Again, wow. I'm still working through the stutter I developed thinking about the first question, and here he is swinging for the fences in round two.

Drunkie: "A chastity belt made of plastic."

Folks, if you need a motto or something to say to Aunt Tilly to scare the hell out of her, feel free to throw one of these questions. I don't even know where to go after that, so I'll just say I'm Ghost like Swayze.