M is really into Astrology, and in the interest of finding out what "That's so typical Leo" means, I've began reading up on the subject. I've tread water in this subject before, but now I'm kind of diving in...trying to learn about all of my bad tendencies before they manifest themselves, and learning how totally awesome the rest of me is. Oh, wait, was that typical for me? Don't care, I'm right.
Today or tomorrow, my number of blog views will crest the 10,000 mark. I don't expect any ceremonies or annoying Hallmark Cards, but I did figure that I should give something back to all of you who made this milestone possible. A little something to take with you and chew on...
Along with reading about the Sun Sign and lions and being radiant, something bubbled into my head. This is as much a warning as it is a theory, and if you're reading this I want you to make a mental note just incase this scenario ever occurs:
I'm not the A-Team, I'm not MacGuyver, but if you wake up and Zombies are attacking the planet a la Dawn or Shaun of the Dead, you should probably call me.
"What makes you say that, Ben Quam? That sounds kinda arrogant. But you are really intelligent and good looking and always smell good and have the best taste in music."
Yes, all of those things are true, but those aspects of the Quam do not help in solving the Zombie issue. Let me explain:
1. I've seen, like, every Zombie movie ever. I know that head trauma kills them the fastest, they suck at climbing anything, they're easy to get to walk into overly-elaborate booby traps involving explosives, and they follow loud noise.
"But Ben, you're so fucking loud all the time."
Have you seen me in a Zombie attack? No. I'm all types of stealthy, with the military hand signals that look like sign language for frat guys and everything! No funny impressions or singing shitty one-hit wonder songs until we're safely at base camp.
2. I have the best group of friends for Zombie fighting ever:
There's a neverending supply of beautiful women in my life that would look incredible with messed-up hair and kinda dirty shirts ripped in all the right places.
Fellas, you know what I'm talking about. Padme in Phantom Menace comes to mind. There is nothing sexier than a woman in ripped clothes stomping the shit out of Zombies. I'd name names here, but I know that I'd leave someone I think is beautiful out and she'd think it's because I think she's fat and now she's got an eating disorder that's on my conscience and I am NOT ok with that. Only for the fatties, that's what I say. I mean, I beat anorexia! Why can't you??
Anyway, then I have the "one-liner" guys that would keep everyone laughing
I'm gonna be too busy sweating and thinking about our next move to be running my typically A-game comedy, so I'll need the likes of Davey Jones, Pauly Hennessey, John Fiero, and Sexy Steve to keep things light. Don't misjudge them, though. They'll kill the fuck out of some Zombies when it's time to battle, but know that you gotta focus because Pauly will be dropping gems like Ryan Reynolds in Blade III, Davey Jones will be going Mach 5 like Cornholio on Red Bull, John Fiero will probably try and breakdance-fight with the Zombie leader, and Steve will undoubtedly be talking shit to everyone like they're 21 year-olds at 2-4-1s on Thursday nights at Williams. One false giggle and you're getting eaten like a Little Debbie snack cake in Britney Spears purse. Proceed and listen with caution.
I have the Strong Mother "I'm doing this to save my child" super ass-kicking women by my side
They may look small in frame, but you mess with Melissa's or Jenn's kid and you will be fucked up on site. At first there will probably be some crying and holding on to the small children for dear life, but if you've ever seen a movie you know that when all the chips are down you can count on the mother of the child in danger to whoop some major ass. I'm thinking Ripley at the end of Aliens when Newt is in trouble. "Get away from her you BITCH!" in the giant crane-suit. Zombies beware, my friends.
I have the "I'm wicked smart and have access to a lot of useful shit" friends
Benny Kanna is the first person I think of. He has a loft with all cement walls, perfect for hiding out while I devise a plan. He has keys to Spin and Drink, both of which have upstairs areas and huge supplies of booze. The booze is a double whammy because we can use it to take the edge off for a bit, and to make those cool molotov cocktails that work in every movie. He's also really smart at random shit like electrical wiring and Trivial Pursuit, so we can make more booby traps and have fun battling wits. Apples to Apples, son.
My boy Bud can build anything, plus when he's mad he's legally authorized to sign autographs for Lou Ferrigno. He'd be the dude who'd say "You keep the gun...I got my weapon" and it would be a bat with nails in it. B.A.M.F. Then there's Ryan Conant and Jennings, my computer guys. This is 2007, folks. You need the IT guys rolling with you. They'd know how to program the security systems, and would patch us through to CTU or the White House to let them know "We're here...don't nuke the city yet!" You gotta have two, because one ALWAYS gets eaten.
I have the best "I started out as an asshole, but then turn out to be a hero" friend
White guy Nick would totally be that guy. He'd make fun of the girls for having ironically torn shirts and point out that we've passed stacks and piles of clothes all along the way so why the fuck are you still wearing that unless you want us to look at your hot legs/stomach/cleavage. The girls would get all I'm-female-hear-me-roar and ask me why the fuck he's here, I'd explain that he's my best friend, and then silently one of them would mouth "You're lucky, bitch." and he'd smile arrogantly back at her. But we all know that when the master plan goes wrong and Nick's the only one left, he'd save the day.
It'd be that tense moment where the violin soundtrack is going crazy and he has to decide between saving the girl pinned down by the car wreck about to get eaten or pushing the detonate button on the computer...I'd yell "There's no time!!! Leave her! We gotta blow this place!!" because I'm a big fat jerk, but he'd find a way to save her AND hit the button. Then, as Zombies are blowing up all around them, she'd say "How did you do that?" and he'd say "I don't know...I guess I'm just lucky. Bitch." and everyone would laugh.
Lastly, I've got me
With everyone else being good at all of that stuff, who needs me, right? Well, who's gonna put all of those people together. And we all know the only reason I'd be doing any of it is to save M. We'd have some small successes, morale would be up, but as we got to the road that goes to the military base and "safety" I'd turn left. "But the base is that way..." someone would say. "Yeah, but she's that way." I'd reply.
Nick would point out to me that she's probably already dead because he's the asshole, I'd say I don't care. Bud and Paul would say "Fuck it, we're in." because they like to fight and kill shit and I'm sure Paul's wife and daughter would be that way too, and we'd all and up on the adventure together one-by-one picking up a rag tag group of friends to help in the good fight. In the end we'd save the ladies, all get medals of honor, and as a kicker it turns out that the military base everyone wanted to go to was already overrun by Zombies and we totally would've died.
I'm not trying to scare anyone, and I don't think we're on the verge of a Zombie attack. But just incase anyone wants to brush up on their tactics, I'm down for a good Zombie movie anytime. If you didn't get mentioned by name, respond and I'll tell you where you'd fit in. No getting mad if you're one of the people that gets eaten right away...everyone has to serve their purpose. You probably saved someone with your sacrifice. Be there anything more noble?
So, thanks for 10k and here's to hitting 100. I hope this has been some good infotainment for you...I'm just trying to help.
Much love from the land of 10,000 views and 10,000 lakes.
BQ
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