Another classic, this one from 2007!

Just look at this photograph... Current mood:  confused What do you do when you're confronted by the very thing you love to make fun of. It happens to me now and then, and it's always this torn feeling inside? Do I want them to be mean and confirm everything I've always said, or do I want them to prove me wrong and be cool? At Lund's there was a guy I assumed to be homeless and drunk walking around yelling things indiscriminately last week. I thought it'd be fun to fuck with him an aisle over and yell "Polo" every time he shouted something. It wasn't quite Marco Polo, but it was close. I had my fun, until I ran face to face into his 'Tard Wrangler. Turns out he's mentally handicapped and likes to talk to himself. Still, she thought "Polo" was at least kinda funny. She got it, and was cool. So then I get a call last week, asking what I'm up to on Monday. I really like working for DD and the boys at Spin/Manhattan's/Drink, so I respond saying I'm down to throw a party somewhere. Turns out that Nickelback is throwing an aftershow party at Drink, and they want some Quammunist action to take the party to the next level. Fucking Nickelback. I went back through my blogs, and I think it's at least a 2:1 ratio in Nickelback jokes to other band jokes. I mean, just watch that cartoon I posted 3 blogs ago by my boy in Appleton. That says it all. Motherfucking Nickelback. And Staind. And Daughtry. Together in concert. I can't even begin to ponder how many 8th grade journals were stolen from boys across the country to write all those songs, but I can't help feeling that this party was short a Scott Stapp from being the actual Apocalypse. Poetic justice, you've out done me again. The bar was PACKED, and once again I'll say it: Say what you want about the Spin/Drink/Manhattan's owners...those men KNOW how to throw a party!!! They put Kill Tha DJ, Marky Mark, and The Quammunist himself behind that DJ Booth, and we brought the thunder. I was running the pre-party like a goddamn interactive Karaoke show, and they were eating it up like an angst-ridden breakup song about looking at a photograph! The band showed up at about 12:30am and the crowd turned into a damn-near riot. Girls were crying, handing me cameras and I was just holding them over my head and snapping them off paparazzi-style. I got Chad to come out and sing a little "Paralyzer" for the crowd, and then the rest of the band jumped into it. Hats off to them, when I asked if they had any requests, they immediately shouted "Play some Guns 'n' Roses!!" (Quammunist note: The band Guns 'n' Roses will forever in my heart be written as G'n'F'n'R as it was on my 9th grade Algebra textbook.) Things went great for the rest of the night. I got asked for the name of my band by both Chad Kroeger and Danny the drummer because I nailed some Disturbed and some Buckcherry, and I even got a few jokes in. To save my own soul I had to say something, and I chose this: When they were walking in, I said "Ladies and Gentlemen...may I present the...band in the world, Nickelback!!!" They are THE band...in the world. And you know what? They crowd went nuts. I could've said "Ladies and Gentlemen...my nuts are made of Laffy Taffy and I enjoy Decopage...Nickelback!!!" and they would've gone just as nuts. Such is life. At that point, I really wanted someone to do something douchey. The night had gone too well, and they were too nice. I needed something, anything, to validate me still cracking jokes...aside from the music...and then it happened. We notice that Chad's a bit preoccupied with a "lady suitor", and my visual hand check is coming up one short. Hmmm...is Mr. Nickelback gettin' knuckle-deep in some Minnesota Nice?? Then, right on cue as I'm thinking that, he pulls the boy scout salute out of her and gives it a nice, long sniff. Mm Mm, bitch!!! Nickelback's a sniffer!! Ha! It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. This guy's a multi-millionare, and he's pulling MY dopest move from 9th grade. Everybody needs a little Quam in the repertoire, at least that's what I tell the kids these days. So from me to all of you, sometimes it's too hard to hate things all the time. Hang out with something you hate, and every now and then it'll pay off in humor that'll last a lifetime. Benny, I know you won't let this one die too easy!! The one downer is that I missed the Jimmy Eat World show. For those of you that thought they were just "The Middle," you're sorely mistaken. Easily in my top 3 bands in history, their music deserves to be heard...especially when bands like Nickelback sell out the Target Center and mediocrity reigns supreme. Listen to "Kill," "23," or "Believe in What You Want" and if you care about music at all you'll be a fan from then on. Shit, they had a song called "Rockstar" in 1996! "Rockstar, what's mine is yours. Rockstar, you're looking good. You're looking to find a fight. Rockstar. Rockstar. Get off my battlefield. You could not take it back from me." Quammunist rests.