Week 26 of 52 in the rebuilding of Ben Quam

"Homecoming Dance"

A lot has happened since we last talked. The most important is that I'm back home in Minneapolis, living in NE, and our bar in La Crosse is still rockin' it. I had a wonderful time in La Crosse, but it was never "home." I'm a city kid through and through, and I needed to get back to my dear, sweet Minneapolis and the family I have here. So February 1st I packed up and headed home to my amazing duplex inhabited by 4 adults...3 of which are currently divorcing. It's like Kirk Van Houten's apartment at Bachelor Arms, only I don't have a sweet car bed.

But as my life has returned to "normal," the world still spins madly on, and I still feel like I'm doing this all for the first time. At 31, dating seems so much easier. I don't know what I was doing in my 20s, but I think in retrospect I was just trying too hard. I was very happy with the idea of not ever having to go on a first date again, and I reveled in the fact that I didn't have to record anymore awkward date night stories again. But, when your options are trying again or sitting in the dark feeling sorry for yourself, you take a deep breath and give it a shot all over again.

The most interesting thing for me hasn't been the dates themselves, but instead how my brain and heart have decided to react to them. My brain has been beyond cautious, blanketing anything positive in blanket after blanket of pessimism and checking every angle like Carlos Brigante in "Carlito's Way." My heart, on the other hand, has ran into every room at the party giving out bear hugs like Chris Farley on ecstasy. Shouldn't my heart be the cautious one? Guarded and shy in the corner like an abused child?

Then something occurred to me. I lost my virginity at a very young age to my first real girlfriend. She was my first love, my first everything, and 16 years later she's still one of the kindest, most beautiful people I know. We broke up because I was a 15 year old in a new high school and I decided that being an asshole sounded like fun. But while she moved on and our relationship faded into memory, the fact that I wasn't a virgin stuck with me. For better or for worse, it made it easier to have sex with the next person. As a matter of fact, I only dated one virgin after that...it was easier to date people who had been through that step in life and not have to worry about the gravity of that decision.

Because of that ease, I made some decisions I regret, but I also made some amazing ones. When the decision isn't about "if" we should, but instead shifts the emphasis to if I should with "her," it takes a lot of pressure off of the decision. Once you've done anything big, doing it again isn't that traumatic as long as it was a good experience, from skydiving to eating something that scares you. For me, it always was.

I think love is the same way. My heart knows better than any part of me how bad it hurts when someone you love tells you that not only do you not make them happy, but they found someone else who does...and you know him. That's what my brain thinks about; the freshest memory, the one we invested the most in with all of our time, emotions, money, life. But my heart can't tell the difference because it just knows, remembers, and craves love. It remembers my first love and my last love and everything in between. It sees the still-fresh scars from last summer, but chooses to remember the 3.5 years leading up to them and how good they felt for the most part.

The X used words like "faliure" and "embarrassment" when she was drunk to attack me for making some bad decisions with companies I'd worked for. That should've been a red flag for me long, long ago but I took it because I thought we loved each other. What I've realized since then is that I live my life "all in." I'm not saying I'm right and somebody else is wrong...in fact, if I had to pick one, I'd probably tell you NOT to follow my philosophy...but I am who I am. Everything I do is with passion, chips all in, win or lose. Yes, I've bet big on some losers; but so has every big winner until they hit the jackpot.

There have been setbacks, and there will be more. But "all in" is the way my heart feels happiest living. What if every poker player cried after every had they lost? No one would ever play. You take your lumps and wait for the next hand. I have to BELIEVE in where I work. I have to BELIEVE in the people in my life I care about, and because of that I've started turning over a new leaf. Ben Quam is trying to be a cleaner human being.

My car is junk free. I'm using a hamper in my room (although my lack of closet space has led to baskets of clean clothes on the ground which is slightly counterproductive) for my laundry. I do the dishes almost every day. And I've cleaned my life out of the junk in it as well...

My life looked like every room I've ever lived in. A bunch of cool stuff being cluttered by knick knacks and keepsakes from times past that I couldn't bear throwing away. My contacts list on my phone was the same way. I just started going through everything and asking, "Why do I have this? Am I EVER going to use this again?" The answer more often than not was no. So why keep it? An exgirlfriend of mine asked me years ago why my friends were so important to me, and I replied that growing up a lonely, only child, my friends were the only ones to share my memories with. But if I have the memories, why do I need someone to share them with if they have no interest in my life now? Insecurity, that's why. Now that I've figured out who I am and how to be happy, cutting that dead weight out felt like such a relief.

I deleted a lot of blogs in the last 2 months because they were either too dark, or too personal about other people. This project was about me and only me, so I felt too guilty airing other people's core feelings for my personal writing project. Sometimes, things just need to be let go without record.

I think there's going to be a lot more positivity in the upcoming months...this last month has been so amazing and wonderful. Just feeling home again, surrounded by the best friends on the planet, and getting to know some new people that are quickly securing a place in my new, cleaner life for years to come.

I have no guide in this, I hated therapy, and I only read books about other people. I don't think that it's necessary to constantly muck about in one's own sewage pond to see if something of value may have accidentally tossed out. I'm just walking forward with my head up, pausing this time around to look at the scenery, smell the air, and take in everything this emotional springtime has to offer for me. So if anyone else wants to come hang out, you know where to find me...I'm home.

Cheers,
BQ