Week 2 of 52 in the rebuilding of Ben Quam

Friday, August 27th 2010

12:49am

"What exactly is (the MN State) Fair?"

As I walked in to the Minnesota State Fair today, I was on the phone with an old friend. My boy D is going through some pretty nasty stuff right now, and we've been leaning a bit on each other for support. As I hung up the phone and braced myself for bellies hanging below shirts and that neverending sea of kankles (cankles? sp?), I realized that the last time I'd been at the fair D and I were on a High School-style double date with the women we loved. We made fun of people, rode some rides, ate more than a group of 10 should have, and D and I even won some giant stuffed animals for the ladies.

Flash forward one year, and here I am walking into the fair alone after just talking to him about how lonely and rough life had gotten. Deep breath, Boyz II Men is playing in 4 hours. You can do this.

I've been working on this story that could be a movie script or a novel. I keep going back and forth, and I think I'll only decide after enough work is written it HAS to go one way or the other. In any case, it's about a guy who moves to Chicago to become a standup comic, and ends up bartending and talking about jokes he was going to tell "next time." I was explaining it to an old friend, and after I explained the dramatic twist and how I may resolve it, she responded with, "Well, why are we pulling or him? What makes him likeable enough that we WANT him to succeed?"

I had no response, because he's me. The whole story is a metaphor for yadda yadda yadda fucking hell I just realized that I had no way to write myself as likeable. I said I was going to do all this stuff and haven't and I'm just still circling the gate again and again.

And then ->BAM<- they drop on me. The job I've been waiting for years to have, with the team I want. Since the glorious Lodge Bar days, we've been waiting until the timing was right, and without me knowing the wheels of fate were slowly pulling me like a shoelace caught in an escalator.

So here it is: I'm moving to La Crosse, WI in 2 weeks.

We're running a few venues in WI, and I'll be focusing on taking all of them to that next level. I've given Minneapolis everything I had for 10 years, and she's been (for the most part) kind in return. But when an opportunity like this presents itself, and in addition to it I can take a break from getting misty at the State Fair and swallowing lumps in my throat as my friends point out all the pictures of XM and me on the wall at one of our favorite bars, I'm gonna take it.

So now the fire's lit to untwine our life together back into 2 single strands...which is proving hard to do. Dogs don't split down the middle. Two unaffiliated adults can't share a car. One 50" tv doesn't split into two 25" ones. Does she want copies of any of the picture of us? Shit. Do I?? What about the souveniers from Europe and Mexico? Our engagment pictures? Our unedited wedding pictures?

And after all that's done, there is custody of our favorite haunts. There's whether we tell each other when we start dating again. There's the day that I KNOW is around the corner, where I cave in for my need to see her and stop in somewhere and then get stuck in that "we're past small talk by light years but it's all we have left" conversation. And then the heartache starts over...

So with that, I'm leaving the city I tell myself I helped build. I'm going on an adventure that could lead to what I've dreamed of for the last decade. And I'm not going to be a deadbeat dad to Minnie...I'm only a few hours away and still have partial custody. But for now I want to focus on building an actual career, and I'll let the echo of our memories fade a little before I start singing a new song on these streets again.

I'm sure I'll pull something together for a lil' goodbye party coming up, but with me leaving so soon there's not a lot of time to plan. I wanna do something besides sitting in a bar. Valley Fair? BBQ? Go Karts? Camping? I'm open, I just wanna see some faces before I leave.

By the way, Boyz II Men were amazing. All the hits, some incredible covers, and "End Of The Road" at the end, pre-encore. I forgot how tied my high school memories were to that song, and everything on "II." If you read this today, there's still time to catch them at 8:30 for free on the Leinie's stage. Do it.